NeilCorp2|<><

2004-05-16T22:52:00.000-07:00

hello and good bye. I love you blogger. Alot.

2004-01-12T23:06:00.000-08:00

"its the beggining of the end and i know that i am all alone.."

i say farewell thee blog...i loved u well...RoAR! OUtZ!...New Live Journal

2004-01-12T21:35:00.000-08:00

How BLACK are you?

Brought to you by the good folks at sacwriters.com.

wickity wickity whack fool!

How ASIAN are you?

Brought to you by the good folks at sacwriters.com.

i like flied lice

How WHITE are you?

Brought to you by the good folks at sacwriters.com.

I did not have sexual relations with that woman!!!

2004-01-11T23:47:00.000-08:00

"U PUSH FROM THE INSIDE!!"

its 11 and i didnt finish all of my homework!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH and finals is this week along with HELL RoAR! haha i left my script in the greenroom like a dumbass and yeah i still need to find my costume and shit fer the play! all i know is this is gonna be ONE HELL of a week LITERALLY!!!! ~sigh~ i btiched about life with dave today that was nice =D! glad to have a buddy like that he bitched too haha it was fun! and full of excitement and wut not! but yeah i guess ill sleep RoAR! oUtZ!

2004-01-11T02:45:00.000-08:00

"so dream a good one tonight"

bored, today was alright not all magical but it was cool cause i got to see my bro Ian, Alma and various other siblings. haha id say more but CHrisTine might pop up behind meeh and yeah foods good im stuffed like a turkey! haha missed out on Mikey's b-day party ouchers! but its coo. i need my script...crap crap crap! laters!

2004-01-07T21:32:00.000-08:00

"so as long as ur alive again...i promise i will take u there"

man great day! haha i juss did the dishes and my hands feel crappy but dats all good! cause im lookin up! and im feelin great! haha but anyways in drama ms. b asked meeh one funny ass question and yeah now i realize wut dave meant by drama being all sexual and shit! haha interestin stuff but it was the funniest day ever. im startin to get the hang of my character...or rather characters each being stupid, nerdy, dorky, and pretty much a lil bit of me in a way =D! haha juss basically things i can play but dont worry im still the suave dork who gets all the gurls =P! haha wellz juss thought id tell yeah wuts on my mind! RoAR! OUtZ!

2004-01-06T17:07:00.000-08:00

"a ghost is all that's left
of everything we swore we never would forget
we tried to bleed the sickness
but we drained our hearts instead
we are the dead "

BLAH mannnn dramas kickin mah ass! its fun though i get to be a real dork and ahah i have no problem playin that role =D! haha but yeah ms. b changed ALOT of my blocking so im like all over the place and bein funny and its fun shit! im always shakey on my acting whenever tinas in the room though...i gotta get over that shit considering shes gonna be doin the lights so yeah BlAHhhh to all of it! haha today was tiring but at least i have guidelines now to how my first character should be ill do my best tommorow! RoAR! OUtZ!

2004-01-05T22:03:00.000-08:00

"this is ur life...are u who u want to be?"

letme get this clear and straight for all of u to see. I am the complete opposite of hate..hell one loves before they would hate right? i mean crap...im not even wut i wanta be anymore! ive always wanted to be one of those cool people who stand up for others...mebbe in stead of aspiring to be the spawn of hell...ill head towards that goal again...no matter how much i hurt ill always make sure no one else will feel this pain that i have inside...RoaR! OUtZ!

2004-01-03T11:52:00.000-08:00

"writing my own lines..my own lil stage.."

blah blah blah blah all i ever write in here is how much i wish this or that would happen i guess im too far gone to care anymore. who cares right? i mean does anyone really care anymore? haha i guess they do but blah i juss am tryin to get through even though its really tough. look at me im full of smiles right? i lied again. its all good though as long as others benefit from it im happy to say the least if im even makin sense anymore. im juss runnin in circles again all i have to say is if anything the words i spoke...they did more harm then good they juss seemed to make u cry over me and i dont want it...i dont want anything anymore wellz time for hw RoAR! OUtZ!

2004-01-01T03:34:00.000-08:00

"You we're my only light, that doesnt shine tonight"

i confess fer it is a new year and i promised to stay true to myself. this is my reflection of last year. omg so great...up until my happiness crashed at the end but i managed to pick myself up again at the end. ~sigh~ though cause yeah mebbe i wouldnt of crashed if i cared more u know? or if i had gotten angry or told my feelings like i should've. When i was told to let u go in reality i didnt want to. U see im a fool. haha im the biggest fool but i cant help it cause im in love with you. soo damn in love that at this moment at 3:29 in the morning i still feel the same way i did wut is it now one year and two months ago. I miss you damnit and i miss everything about u. I cover up my feelings by thinkin negatively about u becaues ur the perfect gurl to me in so many ways its drives me crazy that this happened. I miss holding u when u we're sad, i miss gliding my hand through ur hair, i miss tickling u to hear the laughter that i loved so damn much and damnit gurl i miss ur smile...that smile and look in ur eyes that u never gave anyone else..how we we're in perfect unison whenever we would hold eachother and not say ONE word and it was perfect...thats all it was, was PERFECT...but then bam....u told me "its not like we're not gonna go out again" but i dont want that if im juss ur backup. i want u to love me like i love u....last year was filled with fond memories both of them from family and friends. mostly friends it was definitely one year where i changed alot. and here i am broken but standing tall i hope u all know this year ill be more out there then hiding in my shell and ill get my feelings across!! thank you to everyone who was there to support me through 03 ill repay that debt in 04! RoAR! OUtZ!

2003-12-31T18:14:00.000-08:00

"i find it kinda funny..i find it kinda sad that the dreams in whcih im dieing are the best ive ever had"

WElcome to Neil's Fuckin 03 Resolution bullshit. Here ill put things ive regretted from this fuckin year so here we go.

1.TO never fall in love
2.To focus on skool once more
3.To change completely
4.To work hard at everything i do
5.I'll never look down on others
6.Never get my hopes up
7.Enjoy my life how it is
8.Graduate with a 4.0 or higher
9.Not take friends for granted
10.Get a job
11.Get my License
12.stay true to how i feel

thats basically it. hah happy fuckin new years. RoaR! oUtZ!

2003-12-28T16:06:00.000-08:00

"tell me before ur better off without me"

wow fishing was actually fun fer once except fer those times i fell down but yeah! i actually am in a good mood and not dreading the trip like i usually do. Caught my first fish today! haha that was magical i know it doesnt really show how happy i am outside but inside theres alot of cheering and yelling i dunno why but its hard fer meeh to be really overly happy haha unless im makin a fool of myself but yeah! thats about it. but dood im in a good mood haha i wanta go out sum more but daves gone off sumwhere. ill see if theres anything else to do though but yeah juss thought id put that in and im bored since no one online is talkin to meeh! wellz RoAR! OUtZ!

2003-12-28T01:44:00.000-08:00

"it aint easy to say goodbye"

lalalalalalala haha today was the first day i sat around like a bum all day in my sleepin clothes haha. quite interesting i feel kinda bad cause i hogged the comp but then i thought about it and after all it is MY comp so yeah its all good and they didnt wanta play anywho. Two new games fer meeh Civilization 3 and NFS underground but fuck C3 is too fuckin slowww haha but its addicting kinda liked SIM CITY with fighting haha but its fun none the less. sit around sit around i gotta start doin hw blahhhhh that sucks and memorizing my script. alot of shit to do and one week to do it. THIS FUCKN STINKS!! oh wellz i guess ill sleep RoAR! OUtZ!

2003-12-26T22:41:00.000-08:00

"all of the things that happened juss so i can be here"

u know alot of people say that the things people say when they're mad hurt...well i beg to differ cause its the things people say when their sad that hurt the most. it hurts to think of sum things but u cant juss ignore it. like i read a letter yesterday that juss knocked meeh straight down on my face haha i felt the same way i did when i first read it. after readin it though haha i realized omg...those words i should be makin u eat ur own fuckin words it said "u have to learn to trust me around guys more" u know...theres so much i could say and do that would probably be sooo fuckin evil it'd cause u to cry but i lie to u constantly...yeah dats right im sorry to say this but i do it fer ur sake. juss to keep u happy is wut i tell myself since thats all that really matters to u. if u think about wut ur doing...i guess u could call it selfish but then again me tryin to keep u from doin that is selfish too now aint it? but u have no idea what so ever of the hell ur puttin me through. haha yeah i laugh now cause im starting to "get over it" but in reality we never really get over things we juss ferget them. but id be damned if i fergot u. cause i can never ferget the freakin good times we had but i guess u can since "the bad times are starting to outnumber the good" its weird i guess in the end wuts right never really prevails. like i look around and see everyone fall to drugs, alcohol and all the other crap there is to go wrong on..and it kills me to know that nothing is wut it seems...as far as im concerned life can go to hell. RoAR! OutZ!

2003-12-26T11:56:00.000-08:00

"we have to escape"

Nihilist Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

u know wut the funniest part about this is....haha im black AhaHaHa

2003-12-25T00:00:00.000-08:00

"if theres sumthin strange in the neighborhood"

today went by fuckin fast. i swear haha its so damn crazy. i got a shit load of clothes from my brothers and sisters and im damn thankful fer that. seems i keep gettin more and more clothes and thats sum good stuff. seems that all my fosterbro Nick can do is ruin everything. i swear. Like i sit here and am tryin to enjoy myself and he goes and fuckin tries to ruin the presents thing. Also whiel i was downstairs fuckin hes all "i wanta open presents now" its like wtf??? to meeh man i love waking up and goin downstairs and lookin at all the presents that "magically" appeared there but hey man im a freakin dreamer. All i have to say is the people who deserve mad props fer that is my fosterparents. Every year ive been with them they always did this haha i like to call it the "santa clause effect" haha i made that up while i was driving with eYe when he took meeh to mah bros earlier. but seriously to have parents who go the extreme to deliver presents like santa by stayin up late and bringin in the presents. i swear its like they never wrap presents at all thats how good they are. wellz anywho this is gettin long and i think im down praising them. Wellz RoAR! OUtZ! and MErry RoARMas fools! AhahAHa

2003-12-24T13:31:00.000-08:00

"the red filters through"

You're Libya!

It seems that these days, you just say things to get attention.
Shock value is the really important thing for you now. You used to have
a cause, and this made you seem like a threat to the established order, but now you
just want to say wacky stuff once in a while. Air travel doesn't really mesh
with your lifestyle, and you'd probably scare the security guards somehow
anyway.
Take
the Country Quiz at the href="http://bluepyramid.org">Blue Pyramid

haha why are these damn things always right?

2003-12-23T22:48:00.000-08:00

"is there sumthin more? then wut ive been handed.."

came home and was pissed that about sums that up but anywho i spent the night at Neil A's fer like 2 days and had fuckin lots of fun. it was mostly the second day that i had a shit load of fun because of Kareokee and friggen Risk!! and goin to the mall not to mention i got to hang out wit JayR which is a rather rare occurence cause we see eachother from time to time but we never really get a chance to hang out. so the night was filled with Titty smacking and Lt. Titty smack esquire the third and other various ramblings where we laughed our asses off. it was quite a good day. up until i got home but yeah blah fuck that all. btw i hate u..RoAR! OUtZ!

2003-12-20T23:13:00.000-08:00

"son ur much to young, go have sum fun dont waste ur youth like i did"

i look around to see myself surrounded by familiar faces that i know love me but fer sum reason i look on fer more. it's the start of winter break the OFFICIAl start haha since yesterday was juss a day off from my usual hectic day...i sit here and wonder am i a fool fer wanting more then has been given to me? or was it man's want for more that has accomplished all that is around us now. Christmas is upon us and i cant wait...but im alone this holiday unlike last year where i had that "special sumone" I'm better now at least without u and im off exploring wuts out there in the world. its juss that "u never ferget ur first love" and believe i will never ferget u...RoAR! OutZ!

2003-12-20T01:30:00.000-08:00

"shake it like a polaroid picture"

Im not afraid to let it out... dude crazy shit today!! haha like i saw Lord Of the Rings: Return of the King instead of Disneyland...Believe meeh that was friggen worth it D-land kinda has lost it's touch cause yeah haha im kinda older haha but anyway these one punk asses as wall called them tried to run us over and then at first it hought we we're gonna juss catch up to them pretend to run em over and go away but then Wall got out of the car and was like "WTF!!! ILL KICK ALL UR ASSES" i was like WHoa this is out of nowhere!! hahahaha but it was so cool i wanta do that have that mentality to go out there and fight fer wut i stand fer but im still recovering from a broken heart so yeah...imma wait till i heal. ~sigh~ winter break has started and i have two projects to dooo and id ont even know wut the hell to doooo!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH hahaa and i hab a calculus packet so yeah dat sucks!!! but i guess imma go be useless some more RoAR! OUtZ!

2003-12-19T08:27:00.000-08:00

"im dieing to feel the way u feel"

~sigh~ yesterday was a major downer...yup like i know most of my lines fer the play but desiree really stressed that we need to be memorized and all three of us are memorized up to certain extents...plus during practice friggen i choked cause so many people we're watching and i couldnt handle it because of WHO was watchin my mind started wandering....BLaH! then to top things off i get to my bro's where i think imma be alright things will start lookin up and it ends up he's mad..and it really sucks when he's mad so i juss went to sleep. i took care of my neice and i slept he went to sleep too..but yeah yesterday sucked to the point where sleep was my only savior...i wanted to go to the Something Corporate concert so much...but yeah i missed out on that tooo i also fergot to get my essay after skool so yeah THIS SUCKS....RoAR! OutZ!

2003-12-17T19:34:00.000-08:00

"how sick? SO SICK u can SUCK MY DICK"

my bro is next to me and he told me some wise words "im hungry" it was quite interesting cause it got me thinking...Damn IM hungry too. hahaha actually im thirsty. Im gonna miss out on the Something Corporate Concert but im hopin to go to the BIG COncert on NEW YEARS if becky will let me considering she doesnt like us out durin New Years because of Drunk Driving, Drugs, i dunno all the shit parents worry about. Today another thing occured that probably was foreseen but i dont wanta be the kind of guy who says "I told you so" so yeah out of courtesy ill "keep my mouth shut" hahah TROGDORR!!!! hAhaha im tryin really hard fer this play!!!! so dont gimme any shit! RoAR! OUtZ!

2003-12-15T21:51:00.000-08:00

HOPELESS LOVE

200 miles away from home
200 miles beneath this lake is where my heart belongs
But you don't care at all
You wouldn't even smile if I were screaming as the water filled my lungs
You demand to be chased for your love
My desperate heart is far too weak to run for you this long
But you don't care at all
There nothing I can do to draw you close to me
Can you take this silence like a pill so I can breathe again
I've been trying to forget the best parts of you
But I'm still hoping that I'll be with you somehow
Please be home tonight
I'll die if I don't get a chance to make this just right
I'm sorry but I can't forget about the way I feel
Every time you're here.
What would it take for me to be with you
I swear I'd rip my heart out if you said you'd be impressed
I'd go so far to please you but I bet you wouldn't care at all
Hopeless love please leave me
This broken heart is far to weak to run for you this long
Why don't you care?
I'm dieing for a place in your heart.
Can you take this silence like a pill so I can breathe again
I've been trying to forget the best parts of you
But I'm still hoping that I'll be with you somehow
Please be home tonight
I'll die if I don't get a chance to make this just right
I'm sorry but I can't forget about the way I feel
Every time you're here.
Hopeless love, why did you carve your home in me?
This broken heart is too weak to hold your weight
And now I regret the day we met
Please let me forget your name.

Please let me forget u...why the hell cant i ferget u...get away from me do sumthing to make me hate u...why cant i hate u?

2003-12-15T21:28:00.000-08:00

"step one slit my throat"

bahi was in sucha good mood. i dunno wut happened. im like blah now. i feel like fuckin crying mebbe even dieing. im juss that damn low. its really depressing. Ricardo made meeh feel bad about the One Acts when i was happy. sayin "How could u do that to Joel" fuck it all man...mebbe i should drop out if thats the case. I dont wanta deal with this fuckin shit besides i need to raise my grades. sittin here moping isnt helping especialyl when i dont understand my hw. grr..im hating everything now and i dont know why. mebbe i should sleep. i missed the asvab today hah im screwed fer wut ever we're doin in english. then agian i always seem to fuck up on tests now. it pisses meeh off but i feel really down. i doubt anyone ever reads this anymore. no one tags up my box so im guess they dont. i dont need this shit anymore so i should stop blogging. RoAR! OutZ!

2003-12-14T23:46:00.000-08:00

"i wont forget the times that we had"

Looky at me i got my voice back. For the most part anyways. Im still waitin for it to fully recover cause thats when i can do my worst..i mean best hahaha my hearts kinda shaky at the moment. Any lil thing can push me over and im startin to regret things that have happened in the past. Sumtimes i wish they would've never happened...theres that one paticular night however that seems to replay over and over in my mind...where i was lying next to Tina in her bed and she was shaking and dreaming and she woke up and said "promise me u'll never leave me...cause ill never leave you" after that we lied there holding eachother...that one memory has haunted me for so long i feel like crying each time i remember it. ~sigh~...i have a bra in my laundry basket thats not mine...RoAR! OutZ!

2003-12-13T14:41:00.000-08:00

"remember when we met....the direction that u gave me?"

that quote goes to mah buddy Dave. most of our decisions in our life were always talked out before it happened and he was the one i talked to. Thats why yesterday when i was feeling really down about me losin my voice and i saw him i juss burst into tears. i wanted to hug him but then Tina popped up from behind. so i juss kinda sucked it up and walked away. it was really sad :( i hate not being able to talk. Theres so much i wanta say at times and yet i cant and it juss drives me nuts. I hope my voice comes back by Monday or imma be reallly sad. Wellz dats it fer now oh yeah i made it into the One Acts haha Im Chuck! a guy who uses minature golf to seduce gurls...its like wtf??? hahaha wellz RoAR! OutZ!

2003-12-11T20:09:00.000-08:00

"Im not going to look back"

juss takin a look at my self and wondering if im made of anything. haha wut can i take? lately ive been pushin my body but also lately ive been sick! it sucks! but im better and my heads gone from HOLY SHIT IT HURTS to YAY! IM BETTER! haha I think im replacing Joel in the One Acts so i guess I dont get to sit back and watch this time either haha Im Eugene in Grease! HAHA how funny! i get to be a dork fer the audience and learn to dance too! weee! haha wish i was gonna sing oh wellz. Dave got Danny! im so happy fer him! he deserves it! had a dream about kissing tina it was the best dream ever...not to mention kiss....~sigh~...but lets not get into that hhaaha. blogger was retarded dats why this is sucha late post. wellz RoAR! OutZ!

2003-12-07T13:52:00.000-08:00

"way away away from here ill be..."

bah im sickly. and IM eugene hahahaha Lmaoo...hahahaha and yeah lifes everything its supposed to be. my nose is running and i was hallucinating last night. sumthin or another about robots takin me over. it was quite odd. haha scared the shit out of me too and my whole body felt like shit. im feelin better now though. fer the most part. wellz i guess ill go back to chattin online RoAR! OutZ!

2003-12-04T21:37:00.000-08:00

"i dont know...but i can tell this isnt u.."

shit..its funny how i can smile wit Tears in my eyes..at least today iw as more cheery then yesterday...I gotta stop gettin my hopes up. I gotta stop being so damn attachful and shit and i HATE how much i love u...its like i cant break free and im starting to be angered by it. and yet...damnit...i cant help but fuckin love u...ITS FUCKIN WRONG and i know it but hell...friends are Friends..and fuck i always get stuck with "lets juss be friends" who fuckin cares...im Down...lets end this...Im Outz..

2003-12-03T18:48:00.000-08:00

"it gets me so down down down.."

bahh i choked on auditions..that sucks ass MAJOR! i swear! it made meeh so mad!! i cant believe that happened when i had it down so good and everything! oh wellz RoaR! OUtZ!

2003-12-02T23:17:00.000-08:00

"I never thought...id die alone"

reminiscing about the past is a drag...endless thoughts of how when i found out u were unfaithful i wanted to juss die...walkin down that lonely road towards my brothers house...juss not sayin a word..juss thinkin if i fall right now...it would all be over and id rest easy...how u once told me too Neil...i wanted to get hit by a car. How all u ever thought about was how happy we were together...FUCK IT ALL...haha....look how far u've pushed me..i even thought to myself once or twice theres that chance this break wont break me...its happened..imso far gone i dont think ur smile can save me...its up to u now to decide my fate...RoAR! OuTZ!

2003-12-01T23:50:00.000-08:00

"tidal waves...rip right through me"

do i care? hah not really. mebbe this lie will keep me on mah feet fer awhile but who knows? haha inside a black rose is bloomin full of happiness tainted with evil. Will i survive this change? Im an Angel of Darkness feeling no remorse fer wut or how i effect my life anymore. I juss go with the flow. What happens happens. haha Grease auditions were today iw as so hyper the dancing is kinda hard but if i practiced more id get it down. i did farely well. I froze once or twice but when it came down to me havin to show my skill i managed to pull it off farely well. its the effort that counts! haha tommorows acting auditions. mebbe that will go better :) lets hope fer the best! Tinas gonna call at 3...im not sure if she was serious but who knows. haha wellz imma go sleep and see if i can wake up at 3 haha RoAR! OutZ!

2003-11-30T23:11:00.000-08:00

"shadows like statues..."

im sick of it all...its not that i hate any of u i juss am plain out hating life right now. fuckin rollercoaster of hell thats wut it is. there are times i juss feel like crying out to the sky WHY GOD WHY?? wut did i do to deserve the pain i feel inside? WUT MISTAKE DID I MAKE TO have this happen to me? when things finally seemed right...they juss had to go wrong didnt they? as she layed there and told me to "never leave" her side and that she was afraid of me leaving...yet here she is gone without one word..juss a note saying, yes i want to break up. its not the end of the world...oh who the hell am i kidding. Im still fuckin head over heels in love with you...but u dont see that do u? no all u see now is the cool guy neil tryin to get with every gurl he sees..when the one i really want is now the hardest to get...no sleep again fer me tonight..RoAR! OutZ!

2003-11-29T04:55:00.000-08:00

"entertain me and tell me 'it didnt mean anything'"

wowzers im still awake and goin strong! wee! haha I juss watched Save the Last Dance. CooL movie i might add. haha I've been watchin alot of movies lately cause earlier i also watched Princess Bride haah funny stuff. people are REALLY nice when they're drunk haha its hilarious cause they laugh at everything and its juss funny! haha i wasnt drunk juss observing. like mah cousin in law Mau kept blackin out like i did except he'd wake up 2-3 minutes later goin "WTF!" in sucha fobbish voice haha hes so awesome. im left regretting a couple things. Like not chasing after u. but theres nothing i can do now. juss hold on and hope sumthin will change in my life. Random is quite the word now a days floatin around in my mind haha. quite interesting. but yeah imma go stay up longer! RoAR! OutZ!

2003-11-28T00:55:00.000-08:00

"tell me sumthing so typical...a lullaby of sumthin miserable"

its almost one and i thought id blog myself to death. haha watched dos movies today. Gothica and Elf. Elf was friggen magical good movie fer the holiday thats comin up i recommend u watch it. Gothica was friggen spectacular. Both movies were good in spite of the buffoon talkin behind meeh the whole time. haha Mah god he wouldnt shut up and it pissed meeh off cause he kept givin away parts of the movies..."OH YEAH AND AT THIS PART THIS HAPPEND!" and "OH U NEVER GET SCARED BECAUSE AT PARTS WHERE UR SUPPOSED TO JUMP...The Director didnt make it so anythin happens" it was really stupid and irritable. geez..haha but it was a good thanks giving. despite it all i had fun. haha now its time to look forward to BlackoUt Friday. haha SHOPPING! id be more excited but i have no money so yeah...NO shopping fer meeh! but hopefully those with money will go shoppin and think of me haha wellz RoAR! OutZ!

2003-11-27T00:50:00.000-08:00

"leave a message on ur phone...juss to find out ur not home"

im at mah bros now chillin. Ians here we watched a speedthrough of Super Mario Bro's 3 haha crazy shit. guy beat the game in 13 minutes. its turkey day and im awake at 12:49 as usual. i should be goin to sleep soon. haha which i am but i juss thought id blog a lil before i slept. i miss u so much but u dont know that. Tina i love you and i know this break sucks major ass. i really hope this is juss a break otherwise my heart will be torn to shreds but its ok cause it always mends with time. its been wut 3 weeks now and ive been doin better. i kissed u on the cheek today. i know it sounds lame...but that actually made me happy. hahaha wellz imma sleep RoAR! OUtZ!

2003-11-26T17:01:00.000-08:00

"i want to tell u now..theres so much love in me even though its hard to see"

as if there was ever a doubt in my heart. that sucha bold statement such as "I love you" comin from me would ever be false although i know its not love that keeps me away from things but rather lust or trust..but yeah wut eva. im sittin here thinkin over things as usual. nothings bad but then again nothings good. but i guess i can tell myself "Hey Neil, It could be FUCKING WORSE" as u usually say. haha my lifes really stupid at times. like right now where i excessively talk about the same things over and over. seems repitiive in sum way. u told me "neil, promise me you'll never leave me" and that i did. Then again you told me about how much u "werent gonna leave me no matter what" but then again ur gone now arent u? I juss wonder at times does it ever eat away at u like it eats away at me? that lil voice in the back of ur head sayin "why did u do that to him?" does it haunt u or does its bad karma juss haunt me cause im dieing to know. RoAR! OutZ!

2003-11-23T23:53:00.000-08:00

"i cant sleep, i cant eat, i cant think about anything"

tired of thinkin and shit im tired of caring. too all that read this im sorry but i think im gonna have to give up on trying. give up on what matters the most to me in life and thats living. den again it all has to end sumwhere i guess its my time now to die and be reborn agian into sumthing more grand then i already am. blah haha i can laugh at all the pains and sorrows of my life lets see here as i go down this list of regrets and dishonesties. Tina doesnt love me anymore, Dice would probably never consider goin out with me, my grades are slowly rising, i still havent got my permit, i didnt get into the one acts, my spirits are at an all time low, it hurts so much i juss feel like dieing, and theres a ton of other stuff more but those are my main concerns. as for my mind and my heart...its all in a state of apathy. i could care less anymore. all carin does is hurt me so why bother. WHY care...as far as im concerned the world is a dark and lonesome place. fer now that is my outlook..RoAR! OutZ!

2003-11-23T09:29:00.000-08:00

"back in skool they never taught us wut we needed to know"

holy shit..dude u dont even know yesterday was so damn weird. gettin drunk is crazy like hell and i cant even remember a couple of parts. there were sum parts where i layed across a table i think laughin mah ass off sayin "im alright! im alright!" hahaha THEN GETTIN UP AND SAYING "oh shit...im not!" ahahaha but dude it was so funny. i cant even believe i got home and was able to walk up the stairs and shit.even though i pretend to hide it its hard to believe im over her. it doesnt matter how long we're apart the feelings i feel never friggen change. but enough of that..haha my friend George took me home haha i was laughin the whole itme though hahahaha omg im so bad when im drunk. i threw up too hhahahaha geeez sucha bad night fer meeh! hahaha but ish coo at least my heads feelin pretty ok at the moment. haha like i sed "at the moment" hahaha but im sure it'll start buggin the crap outta me later. im startin to feel a lil sick and my breathe is kickin. i wonder how tina and krysta are gonna do the parade today. haha HANGOVER while flippin flags. crazy ass gurls. wellz thats about it fer meeh RoAR! OutZ!

2003-11-22T00:27:00.000-08:00

"try to focus but everythings twisted"

shit im tired, my legs hurt so fuckin much, candice's party rocked, and i feel like there isnt a female out there who loves me at least a lil bit. All i know is i set myself fer so many falls and this one has been the biggest of them all. I dont understand life one bit and i dont understand wut everyone wants me to do. Exsisting is easier sed then done and i juss cant sit back and watch on the sidelines anymore. all i know is if i get the urge to do sumthing im gonna do it reguardless of thinking or possible error. RoAR! OutZ!

2003-11-20T22:28:00.000-08:00

"even though i want to stay.."

Your soul is bound to the Rose Petals: The
Wronged.

"'ve come undone and all hopes of mending
me are gone because the pain took my soul.
Can't you see? The only one who can put me
back together again is me."

The Rose Petals are associated with sorrow,
reflection, and wisdom. They are governed by
the goddess Persephone and their sign is The
Teardrop, or Broken Love.

As a Rose Petal, you are always self-reflective and
may be hard on yourself. You probably have
been hurt in the past by other people and can
sometimes distance yourself, as a result. You
don't usually let other get too close to you,
but you are very good at mending your spirits
back together by yourself.

What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla

shit..haha im up doin quizzes when is hould be doin hw..oh wellz..letme mend myself back together...blah

2003-11-20T22:13:00.000-08:00

"sidewalks..like the time we thought was made for u"

Protector

The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla

god damnit...my heart never fully healed..in fact i think its still shattered but ill carry on

2003-11-20T21:55:00.000-08:00

"leave it to me to be cynical"

funny thing is i never knew wut cynical was before AP english. anywho lifes full of surprises. juss when u think its gonna pick u up it drops u right back down. Goin to Dice's party tommorow...hopefully...and if i do im gonna make sure i have one hell of a time cause i dont wanta be depressed and lonely anymore. its mostly when im at home i feel this way. so i guess ill find ways to runaway from home to keep my mind occupied. I look to the skies and think of it as peaceful. Ive never really sat outside alone anymore cause outside in the cold used to be shared with sumone else. haha. silly thoughts run throughy my lil silly head knowing that will never come back. I thought i moved on but at times i cant help but fall back. its like a comfortable chair..u often fall asleep in it to ferget things but end up remember other things in the process. I dont understand why things happen at times, but im guessin its for the best as others believe. i cant help but want to go against wut others believe is TRULY right. but in this world overthinking causes u to end up like me and i guess being right is wrong? or am i right to be wrong? at times it juss confuses me. exsisting seems so useless without sumthing to live for. RoAR! OutZ!

"when will start learning to love life instead of living it?"

2003-11-19T18:38:00.000-08:00

"i remember the look in your eyes...when i told you that this was goodbye"

we're lookin up at the same night sky...we keep pretending the sun will not rise...bah..haha today sucked..until 7th but yeah..haha i neber really get my feelings across that often anymore. most of the happiness is real like the times im really crazy and stuf but..at times i feel like its all fake. i try to look at life from a different one that I myself have but at times it dont work. you know wut i mean? haha..its hard to try and cover up how u really feel with sumthing that isnt authentic. todays the 19th. i remember a year ago i changed on this day. it was fer the better haha i was the happiest guy anyone could ever know. at times i wonder if the events that lead to me at this certain moment and state im in right now could've been avoided had i not been so stupid. sumtimes i wonder if i should've done the things ive done. i guess we'll never know now. i juss sit and wonder to myself..could it be any different? could i be celebrating sumthing right now had i not screwed up so much? well for now ill sit and wonder. haha..RoAR! OutZ!

2003-11-18T19:34:00.000-08:00

"pick me up...i need u so bad"

bah today was irratating but my dream was good hahacause there was a puddy patrol guy in my dream and it was like darkness falls where if u go into the dark u die and me and my friends were goin to kill it or sumthin then i pointed my camera upwards and i saw him jumpin around on the power lines so i serpearate my self from teh group and like a dumbass step into the dark and my friends are all "NEIL GET BACK IN THE LIGHT!" and im all "OH SHIT" then the puddy guy grabs meeh and im like "OH SHIT IM GONNA DIE!!" so i mess wit mah camera tryin to find the light switch and finally i switch it on! and he lets go of me in the air!and i start fallin towards the street!and im like OH DAMN IM GONNA DIE!!!but then i roll away and the sun rises i go inside and i look in the window and the puddy guys there...starin at meeh like "u got away....grr..." and it was sum scary shit then i go into another room and i see him in the window again!!!! AND IM LIKE SHIT so i close the door but as i do it...THE BLINDS SHUT TOO....scary stuff so i go around to the back door to see if hes still standin at the window and he is but hes talkin to NEIL A and im like WTF??? then i see neil A head towards the back door with a GUN AND HE SHOOTS ME IN THE ARM! im like crap! so i hide behind a dresser and yell to eric "HES GOIN TO KILL U!" then eric gets up and i see Neil a goin fer him so i throw a cup full of pencils at him! then he shoots me, i dodge it, and then i turn my head and he shoots my ear!! it was a BB gun though so it only made meeh deaf then Neil A jumps at Eric!!! and i pull at his leg and i kick him! then i woke up crazy ass dream though!

2003-11-16T02:03:00.000-08:00

"its been so long since u've heard the hurting words..'I care for you' but its right this time"

dude today juss blew meeh outta da water i swear. i went to the park thinkin it was gonne be a party fer mah fosterparents Anniversery and dat josh's friends were gonna be there but i ended up gettin more then that! I got there and All the Signs sed "Happy B-day Neil" and iw as like WOW!! haha den Josh is all "come to the playground" and i went there at first only saw jp but then when i turned around David, Mary, Alvin, Rebecca, Mike, Grant, and Candice popped out of a FISH! haha i was so surprised!!! and man i was so happy!i couldnt believe they surprised meeh so much! ive never had anyone do that!! and awwe! i love all of u!! u guys rock so much!! it was amazing!! and like everyone came even ERIC AND NEIL A! so crazy!!! mah Mom was there, and so was Alma and mah niece and nephews. Christine, Wallen, and Sarina!! i was so happy! dude this day kicked so much ass!! i cant believe that it happened! at the party i was doin suicide flips cause Candice wanted meeh to do aerials but hahaha i juss kept flippin on mah back! and now mah body aches cause i was climbing trees runnin from people and everything! oh yeah Kristine also came! sucha crazy party i loved it so much! now Im at mah bros wit Neil A and Eric and they're juss hanging around! Man i hab the bestest friends ever!! and the best fosterparents too! and best everything! ah i cant believe how lucky i am! wellz imma go try to sleep! haha even thought it doesnt seem possible! RoAR! OuTZ!

2003-11-14T21:14:00.000-08:00

"Gurl u mean..so much to me.."

la dee da! haha another day has gone by phew three days as a matter of fact! haha tommorows mah b-day! hopefully i get lots of presents! SIKE haha i dont care about presents. I've learned to enjoy my life fer wut it is. haha its a friggen rollercoaster and im slowly climbin back up to the top of the next hill! juss waitin anxiously to start going down! haha lets hope i dont get motion sickness! anywho juss chillin at mah bros keepin him company. Introduced him to GTO haha that shits so awesome! and yeah he juss got back from Over SEas! ahh haha i cleaned today at mah fosterhome...stupid dishes and kitchen and other crap! blah! haha oh wellz. iM eating corn haha cause theres nothing else to eat. well theres candy but thats no fun! haha i gotta beat Tina at Mario party to show her Im the FREAKIN MASTER! MwuAhaHAha..i didnt make it into the One ACts but theres so much i need to learn anyways. haha ill juss be a techy. Mwuahaha haha wellz imma go be useless RoAR! OutZ!

2003-11-12T23:55:00.000-08:00

"it was the first time in my life...where i did sumthin right"

each day i get a lil more stronger. and each day missing you fades away. I hope your happy. haha yeah i hope your happy. All i ever wanted was for you to be happy and i guess im fulfilling it right now since your smiling and im smiling too. I cant help the fact that we're fading and i guess you couldnt stop it either. in the end it was for the best. as some would say and that there are "other fish in the sea" but who wants to date a fish when u've dated a pirate fer a year ;). wellz u stole mah heart and i dont think there will ever be me gettin it back so u can keep it. as i keep the memories i shared with you. dont ever ferget. I loved you like no other and i still do. Today was fun! haha had auditions taht was crazy shit cause i had mah monolougue down hardcore but when it came down to doin it i fucked up bad...stupid bright lights! haha den i got home and was buggin mah fosterparents about mah drivers permit! cause i want to get that sucker done! haha im so close yet so far! haha wellz imma sleep now cause its 12 RoAR! OutZ!

2003-11-11T22:27:00.000-08:00

"I can recall only this one time, a girl had on my mind"

im a fucking obessor..at least in the eyes of the world i am. What i call Love, seems to be wrong to everyone else. "maybe she broke up with you for a reason" haha...the reason. so many possiblities so little time. You dont know what you've done to me. You don't know HALF the pain im feeling on the inside. You have HIM to hang onto...me i may have my friends but i still feel so alone. Dont get me wrong. My friends are great, but if no one believes, whats the point in anything anymore? Why Smile when i have no REAL feelings inside. Everyday i supress my good memories of you. The ones that i was fond of. Did anything you do remind you of me? Was i even in your mind anymore? it seems not since im not there. Theres so much wrong with me now i dont know where to begin. Aside from drop in grades, to family issues. I thought in my head...as long as shes still with you, theres nothing that can get you down. Guess you proved me wrong. I cant believe in Love anymore because it doesnt have faithe in me. Even if the world is right, Im still going to "love" you. I still havent broken my promise...but you did. I hope your happy.

2003-11-09T23:20:00.000-08:00

"if i told u this was killing me..would u stop?"

I sure hope that you always know I'll miss you
And I hope that when you sleep you're looking up
Cause when I rest I think of all those tired times
And I can't sleep when you're gone

enough sed...i miss u but do u miss me? that i dont know..i hope to see u once more..if u want to see meeh again..wellz RoAR! OutZ!

2003-11-09T01:23:00.000-08:00

"cause every promise u could never get the nerve to stay"

bloggggg "you see the chicken before you die" haha today i went bowling and plyed PoOl wit Tom and matt that was fun! i learned to bowl through mah legs. Im at Neil a's right now cause its cooler then being at home by myself like a loser. We watched The Ring KOREA version. it was basically the same juss it included sex yeah dats right. haha and the chick like had both parts of the reproductory systems it was whack. deng man it dont matter wut im doin theres nothing that wont remind meeh of Tina..bah...i cant get it out of mah head. That smile, her laugh, how I'd hold her close and never leave..hah she'd have to push meeh away...oh wellz..."i found mahself right back where we started...by myself dreamin alone.." yeah dat sucks...wellz imma go stay up longer RoAR! OUtZ!

2003-11-08T11:26:00.000-08:00

"BURN NOW..wut once was breathing"

phew crazy ass night! did the float thingy that was fun! we got first! and we also got to be on TV! its like WOW!!! haha went to the game afterwards. was hangin out wit everyone but mostly grant and his friends they're cool. then i found BogNot and he was all alone and he looked bored so i figured why not entertain him until he leaves? haha so i did we talked about "5 second orgys" and wut not u know the usual. and i met his friend Terrence hes REALLY TALL haha ester kissed meeh on the cheek wit red Lipstick. funny stuff. Im not sure but i think Tinas goin out wit dat jerkoff Chris but who knows right? and wut do i care? haha Daves behind meeh sleeping. i hate it when people are asleep and u cant tell whether they're watchin u or sleeping! haha its creepy! wellz imma go play wc3 RoAR! OutZ!

2003-11-06T22:41:00.000-08:00

"please let me breathe..ur chokin meeh"

today was sucha great day! well most of it! haha the fieldtrip was fun! i got molested on the ride there by Anderson and Joel but thats alright cause i got away after we got off! the play...OMG so friggen awesome!! i have never seen anything as entertaining like that in a LOOOOONG TIME!! it made meeh laugh so hard and there was this one Matrix part sooo damn cool!!!! i wanta be able to do that! haha i was surprised i got up in front of so many people!! haha so crazy! i guess dramas really payin off im not as shy as i was before and im really loud now! people we're even tellin meeh how i was loud durin the pledge of alliegence!! hahah but yeah friggen awesome! i was sittin on a plastic rock and dave slashed meeh like a ninja! then i fell and he poked mah penis and i popped up in a weird lookin stance! hahah it was so funny! we both we're laughin cause i also made a weird noise. the bus ride kinda was a drag. Tina and Krysta we're singin songs...brought back memories but yeah i got over it. haha shes out exploring the world and im stuck here missin her...will she ever know? guess not fer now..haha wellz imma sleep RoAR! OutZ!

2003-11-05T20:16:00.000-08:00

"juss play the fool once again"

NeilCorp2kX: haha
NeilCorp2kX: awwe mah lil daves growin up
NeilCorp2kX: gettin into relationships that mean sumthin to him!
NeilCorp2kX: awwe!
NeilCorp2kX: haha
FiNGLee88: noOooOO
FiNGLee88: hahaha
FiNGLee88: neil
FiNGLee88: 1!
FiNGLee88: i dont wanna!
FiNGLee88: hhahaha
NeilCorp2kX: hahahah
FiNGLee88: but its like when we were at the beach!
FiNGLee88: u try to swim back...
NeilCorp2kX: hm?
FiNGLee88: ahhaha
NeilCorp2kX: hahahaha
FiNGLee88: but u kept being pulled out!
NeilCorp2kX: exactly
NeilCorp2kX: its juss like that dave
FiNGLee88: further and further
FiNGLee88: hahaha
NeilCorp2kX: dont worry
NeilCorp2kX: the waters warm
NeilCorp2kX: why not stay there awhile?
NeilCorp2kX: juss remember
NeilCorp2kX: if ur drowin
NeilCorp2kX: drownin
NeilCorp2kX: ill always pull ya out
NeilCorp2kX: im out here on the shore juss watchin the waves
FiNGLee88: awwwe
FiNGLee88: omg neil
FiNGLee88: i fucking hate you
FiNGLee88: hahahaha

thats wut i call friendship haha brings a tear to mah eye(sniff sniff)

2003-11-04T21:22:00.000-08:00

"u were everything i wanted..but i juss cant finish wut i started"

okkk the day was alrighty! haha it ended really funny though! last night sucked cause i cried myself to sleep but i guess cryin helps meeh mend the pain that has been inflicted on mah fuckin heart but anywho back to the nice things in life. Friends are great things especially when ur in need of sum smiling! Meeh and Dave went to Ricardos today and i learned guitar! man music is so great! haha i juss need to get used to playin it more so yeah mah fingers are gonna get callaused and imma kick ass! haha awwe it was sad though cause meeh and dave and Ricardo we're sittin in tha lil room and we we're singin and shiz and hes all "i want to start a band but...awwe...will!" and i was like awwe! we so need him! he was so cool and i swear he'd be sucha cool guy! deng we need our trio back cause that would be awesome!! It feels alright wit Ricardo but fer sum reason it seems sooo much more right to start a band wit Xenos! Nothing can replace u buddy!! haha but we we're sittin in Ricardos room after practicing alot and then we started takin over his stuff messin wit his COmputer and sayin stupid things then hes all "I dont like u guys anymore! and AIm is stupid!" and then Daves all "awwe...do u seek others?" and i started bustin up laughin!! haha i guess it was one of those be there moments haha cause it was so funny! haha that definitely made mah day..i see wut dave was talkin about the whole kick it spot and shiz wee need a house like that but where?? WHERE??? wellz im outroz gotta finish mah magical hw! RoAR! OUtZ!

2003-11-03T17:02:00.000-08:00

"i got so much on mah mind"

love is sumthin stronger then any feelin in the fuckin world. i dont care wut u do i dont care wut u say ill always love u and i hope u know that. I guess it'll take u sum time out on ur own to realize that but yeah im alright with everything. a whole new world out there fer meeh too look at and explore juss hope u know this was the bestest worst mistake u ever made. but hey we all make mistakes and these things happen afterall we're only human. So i say adieu and good day cause i loved u and u left meeh adios and sainara! cause u'll always be in mah heart and ill keep on goin on strong cause thats all i know to do! RoAR! OuTZ!

2003-11-02T02:07:00.000-08:00

Let it Last

i need to see u
try and feel how u do tonight
i need ur sadness
in order fer meeh to understand wuts right
i need ur smile
to help meeh not feel ashamed
i need ur laughter
to wash away all the pain
when i see u crying
ill be there to wipe the tears from ur eyes
u'll know im not lieing
cause ill be staring straight into ur eyes
u've seen it too
as i get lost in a stare
how deeply i love u
cause my eyes show u that i care
letme hold u again
to help u remember that special place
here in my arms
where all the pain u can escape
lets not think of tommorow
the present or the past
juss of us together
and how long we'll be happy
lets make it last

2003-11-01T00:57:00.000-08:00

"im sorry..please forgive meeh..believe meeh if u could"

it wasnt until around 11 or so today that i finally remembered. I remembered wut made meeh fall so madly in love with this one gurl. wut made meeh take all those chances that lead meeh to where i am today. it was her. Juss Tina being Tina dat lead meeh to want to hold her so close, smile when she smiles and juss overall love life because theres nothing more i need to be happy. U could paint the day black and there would still be that shine there. I looked at the picture dave gave meeh and i juss smiled. so big and wide remember that feeling i had when that pictuer was first taken how nothing i did seemed wrong anymore and how she always had sumthin fun to say and i always had sumthin useless to say but she'd still listen..mah gosh Tina i love u so much ur hair, ur smile, ur personality, and ur child like antics. I still feel like i did a year ago and this feeling is gonna last cause theres nothing in the world i wouldnt do fer u. wellz imma go dream about u RoAR! OuTZ!

2003-10-31T16:58:00.000-08:00

Automatic Halloween Costume Generator by kendokamel
Your name
Your costume	A Ghost

Created with quill18's MemeGen!

2003-10-30T23:35:00.000-08:00

"dont want to let u see meeh cry.."

fun day. i got out of the house and ventured to Dice's we watched The NightMare Before Christmas which was friggen cool! i havent seen dat movie in so long haha in one part the guy says "BUNNY!" haha cause they caught the easter bunny it was awesome. also played wit a camera dat was fun takin picatures and recordin crap! haha and i looked at pictures of dice's family and watched family videos haha it was funny. im glad i got outta da house and guess wut TommOroWs HALLOWEEN! ahhh haha hopefully it'll be as fun as it was last year. haha considerin last year i went to that one church thingy and was so confused at the end! hahah fun day! weeee Tina didnt call...so ill call her manana to see how shes doin. I miss her so but now i must sleep RoAR! OutZ!

2003-10-30T09:52:00.000-08:00

"i need u to help meeh see this through"

why are boys dumb? i dunno sumtimes i feel like people are juss out to get meeh and tina its weird. ~sigh~ yesterday was filled wit Drama. but its ooky im glad i got to see Tina yesterday especially after wut happened. it was like 4 days and i wondered why she didnt call or why she never wanted to talk dat much and i guess i found out then. i dont wanta complain about mah sadness so ill hold it in this is sumthin stupid and i dont really feel a need to rant and rave about it so yeah. im fine juss need a lil time to gather mah thoughts. wellz RoAR! OutZ!

2003-10-29T02:41:00.000-08:00

"theres juss no one who gets meeh like u do.."

today was fun hung out wit Dave we dloaded a bunch of old songs from the 80's haha fun stuff. Ran around in the Ashy weather. it was quite frightening! haha i wanted to see tina today..but dat didnt work out as i wanted it. mebbe manana ill call her up and see. wellz im tired and i miss mah tina! ill catch ya laters RoAR! outZ!

2003-10-27T18:15:00.000-08:00

"so dont say...these currents are still killin meeh.."

im in a state of solitude right now...juss wonderin things..does she miss meeh? should i pick up that phone its hard to figure mahself out these days. I feel like me but at times it seems like an outline. I know how i feel and how i want to say so much to her but there are things that hold me back. Who knows? Im so much like me when im with her and yet when we're in crowds i put on a cloak and hide behind it. I havent been doin dat recently but before i did. who knows right? with all these feelings bottled up inside one can only think that im in doubt or mistrusting her. Im not im juss..missin her with all mah heart. yesterday i thought.."wut if i didnt get to see her again?" all the things we've done her smile, her personality..everythin i loved would be gone and then wut? i dont get how i can wake up one mornin be the happiest guy alive and then...suddenly be so low the next. bah..i miss u tina...cant u see that? RoAR! OutZ!

2003-10-26T20:34:00.000-08:00

"cause i dont know if i can trust u"

it didnt hit meeh until like an hour ago..man tinas up in LA and shit ahh i want to know shes ok...RoAR! damnit!!! i want to know!!! wellz RoAR! OutZ! Sd is in Hell we're in ciricled within the flames...will we leave? who knows?

2003-10-26T01:20:00.000-08:00

"ive done everythin as u say"

oh man today was so crazy i woke up at 11 and came ober to mah bros where i ate food and hung around while wall watched Brock Lessener! dat guys a maniac! den wall went to sleep and Christine was goin out to go get a haircut but juss as she was leavin Dave wondered if i wanted to go hang out so i sed yeah and Christine took meeh ober der! haha we went to albertsons to drop his film off haha as we "crossed the picket line" then as we walked down i noticed Christines car so we went to supercuts but we juss kinda walked in and out hahah we felt stupid then we ran into ALMA! haha wut a day! hahah den the ATM wasnt workin but then it did and we ate McDonalds cause chicken nuggets are good! MMMmmM gooD! haha den Dave sed "MIRA!" hahaha and we went to skool. we did the play and this was like the first time i was FULLY in character i swear i couldnt smile fer shiz! dangit i wish tina was der! after the show we went to the Cast Party. Kinda made meeh mad cause Ricardo i dunno he bugs because hes kinda boring ~sigh~ and his following directions thing sucks. but i got ober dat once we got to Alvins where i freaked everyone out doin the RiNG thing where she crawls out of the Tv because we had a strobe light. When everyone got there we headed to the Pool and MAN there was this COOL ASS SWING THING!! i wish i had one ob those! haha i almost killed people cause it had a pipe thing on it dunno why but yeah. den we went swimmin well meeh, grant, Erin, and Krysta did. then Tiffany joined us and Alvin did too but only in the Jacuzzi! LOSER! haha man "im the ice king" hahaha dat was sum funny stuff! and flippin off the divin board was soo cool! haha i did the FLYING SQUIRREL! hahaha wut else happened?? oh yeah i hab a new mommy! Tiffany's mah Mommy! haha she adopted meeh and when we we're leavin Grant was wearin nothin but his boxers and Katie and Mike we're givin us rides home but as we we're walkin up Grants all "dude i feel so vulnerable right now...sumone could steal sumthin from meeh...and the only thing they can steal is mah virginity and thats juss wrong!" hahaha and we we're greeted by a happy dog then we got in da car and Ricardo tagged along. Mikes so cool cause he sings and screams! haha we stopped at a Gas station and sum guy was checkin out GRANT!!! HAHAHAHA IT WAS SO DAMN FUNNY! and the guy drove around the car and Katie opened the door and Grant screamed! hahahaha i was laughin so hard! haha after that though i went home and now here i am sittin at this computer typing crap out haha wellz imma go! damnit the view of the city was so nice from alvins pool place...i wish mah tina was der so i could hold her...i was sittin before we started our scenes fer the play alone starin up at the starry sky wondering...wheres mah star tonight? is she missin meeh as much as im missin her because man i woke up this mornin and the first thing that popped in mah head was..."I miss mah TINA!!!" ~sigh~...imma go lye down RoAR! OuTZ!

2003-10-22T19:31:00.000-07:00

"wuts wrong with mah life today?"

i dont know wut to think anymore so i guess ill juss stop at that..

2003-10-20T05:13:00.000-07:00

"and i will never...make the same mistake again"

and thus ends the sneakin out of neilio. i got caught once more but this truly is the last time. I feel bad fer makin Becky worry so much considering shes not doin anythin wrong i am. No more sneakin out and no more slacking off. I hab to get mah grades up and start thinkin right again. tonight was crazy and surprisingly im STILL AWAKE! haha ~sigh~ tina had a dream that meeh and her bros we're bein taken away. it was crazy cause as she was havin the dream she held meeh tightly and started to cry. made meeh hold her close. dat was so deng crazy. wellz imma go do mah Hw then be off to SkOoL RoAR! OutZ!

2003-10-19T01:24:00.000-07:00

"see all those people on the ground.."

another crazy day...haha man der was a toilet noise durin the play and the light cues were early and i messed up mah lines and it was so dang great and i had alot of sugar but im REALLY tired right now but im thinkin if i should do sumthin or not which is a BIG decision considerin i already got nailed fer it but yeah anywho man tinas so great! haha like....i look at mah big empty hole i once had in mah heart and its juss so full and overflowin wit tina happiness dat im one happy camper! weee hahaha wellz RoAR! OutZ! today was a blast...!

2003-10-18T13:12:00.000-07:00

"share with meeh...cause i need it right now"

yet another day to do a play and here i am with 4 hours to mahself. but i think ill use it wit sumone else too. cause i dont wanta be on mah own and i dont wanta lose the one ive cared fer so much over this past year and shes the one whos cared fer meeh so much too. its amazing how much u can get out of songs all the feelings of sorrow and joy or the strength to go on or the courage to do sumthin dats why i always put a quote cause a song has in some way or another touched mah life or ur life as well. im sucha fool. and ive come to realize that each day i try to hide or bear the burdens of life alone. live ur life with a smile through the thick and thin and remember lifes not juss about learnin lessons...its about teachin them to others as well...hah anyhow time to pick up da phone RoAR! OutZ!

2003-10-16T22:24:00.000-07:00

"mah hopes are so high that ur kiss might kill meeh.."

man today was so damn awesome! started off seein mah tina after 2nd and walkin her to class and smilin really big and den toiling off to precal and all mah other classes but then i spent mah break goin to JiB wit her,kecia and ricardo. haha kecias so funny when she gets mad! haha and her and ricardo were duking it out and kecia wasnt very happy so ricardo left cause kecia hurt his feelings but dats ooky cause they made up laterer! haha mann i thought tina was mad at meeh but it turned out she was mad at krystal and krysta! which is crazy! im glad it wasnt meeh and awwe i didnt know she wanted meeh to be der! u know dat i would've been der if u wanted tina!! juss gotta come to meeh! but next time i wont runaway! haha but yeah after the play i saw wallen! dats so cool he saw meeh perform and also Dice and Nick!! i was like wow!! i cant believe they came i was so happy! haha den we battled a stink bug but on to the bestest part...after the show i gave tina a ride home but right before that we stopped in da hall and kissed...~sigh~ it was so amazing! like its been so long since we've kissed and it felt good to have sucha great kiss!! like ahh i cant stop thinkin about it right now but i loved it so much!! and ilove her so much! if i could've i would've stayed wit her longer juss sittin and chattin! it was so magical! wellz i hab to do hw and dream ob tina RoAR! OutZ!

2003-10-15T22:43:00.000-07:00

"ooo maryanne..maryanne..i really wanta tell ya.."

wow! today was dress rehearsal and the first time we performed the play in front of an audience! it kicked so much ass! and everyone did so damn good! i was soo happy..i mean mann today was juss great! i didnt fight wit tina, i got along wit everyone and the play juss added to mah happiness. best of all i got to see tina. i cant wait till mah grounding ends and i get to see her after skoo again. den we can sit and chat and laugh over the weird things we do together and ill smile and she'll smile and we'll be bums. cause im a bum who goes through trashcans =P haha wellz RoAR! OutZ!

2003-10-15T00:14:00.000-07:00

"its meeh and the moon she says.."

i dont want to die anymore..i dont want to be sad over wut i thought was right and i dont want to bring tears to the one i love. damnit i want to change i damn am. tommorows another day and i hope i dont screw up. cause..damn im all outta words and mah emotions burnin meeh up on da inside..ill juss hab to see how tommorow goes..RoAR! OutZ!

2003-10-13T21:20:00.000-07:00

"and fires a beautiful smell.."

and only ashes..right? cause ashes fall to the ground..like my spirits. day by day i sit in mah room..this lonely room where i plunder..and i do nothing..but hw cleaning..and anime. it kills meeh..i stayed at skool pretty long but it didnt really make meeh as happy as i showed nothing seems to anymore..and the one thing that does isnt really around meeh dat much anymore...so yeah dats a drag now aint it? how because of one simple stupid mistake burns away at u weeks after..heh..yeah and as i sit here i take in the second-hand smoke comin from mah fosterdads burning cigarette..mockin meeh..killin meeh..slowly..i leave u on dis note...mah blogs blue and so is mah mood...RoAR! OutZ!

2003-10-12T19:00:00.000-07:00

"and i know i may end up failing too..."

weeee haha i finished cleanin mah room watched Ragnarok fer like 3-4 hours today fun stuff and wut else i hab a lil bit of hw to finish. feels good to hab a clean room i dunno i guess its better den steppin around toys and garbage which clutter mah room extensively..~sigh~.. haha i miss tina like more den eber..tommorows monday..and thus the start of HELLWEEK dun dun dun! haha guess ill be lookin forward to dat even though everyone says it sucks ass imma enjoy it because yeah im grounded and it keeps meeh from goin home =P Mwuahaha so i guess i was only grounded fer one week;) Mwuahaha wellz sub in PE manana and i dunno where im tryin to go wit dis blog..i got a new vid card 64 MB but its PCI which sucks ass...haha AGP is da way to be fer those ob u buyin a new vid card! wellz imma go do hw RoAR! OutZ!

2003-10-11T20:00:00.000-07:00

"i cant seperate...myself from wut ive done.."

ok i look back on things ive sed id do and things ive sed ive done and its crazy...i walk down the same neighborhood dat i walked down a year ago wit so many memories and so many good times its crazy. Like the Big T who would've known meeh and dave would venture there to go to the library on dat faithful boring day or Kmart...the store i spent many precious times hangin out wit either Tina, Dave, Angela, Antoinette or Will! mah gosh crazy things have happened ever since a year ago. Every night i go to sleep wondering...wut does tommorow hold for me? or what new thing is gonna happen the next day? It surprises meeh to actually think on wednesday ill be standin on a stage...acting in front of a crowd fer the first time! and to think that the person I love so much is still with meeh its juss incredible. I thought id lack confidence but everythin juss strengthens meeh sum more. These AP classes they're cake i juss needed to study more! so many things so lil time i feel like im gettin old too fast but before i get too old imma enjoy mah life now. RoAR! OutZ!

2003-10-11T03:25:00.000-07:00

"i know i cant say anything...but ill look stupid anywayssss.."

i cant sleep...i slept all day and hell im juss full of energy! i know its wrong but i kinda wanta get outta here...but yeah im holdin back cause dats wut i do! but i wanta see her so much! i can smell steves cigarettes...hes smoking probably lookin out fer meeh since im untrustworthy now...~sigh~...but then again its always the quiet ones =P haha but yeah...sucks a bunch to be grounded...i miss tina..everyday imiss her and it juss gets worse and worse until i feel like imma explode! but i deal wit it by tossin and turnin at night...wishin she was wit meeh..dreamin ob her and so on and so forth...~sigh~ i miss her so much..wellz RoAR! OutZ!

2003-10-10T00:39:00.000-07:00

"u spin me right round baby right round.."

haha man its so hard to blog now a days...i either ferget to or im juss too dang tired to do it and i figure why? it sucks bein grounded!!! haha but at least i get hw done alot more now and im catchin up wit all the problems i was havin wit AP classes! IM ACTUALLY UNDERSTANDING THEM NOW!! haha but yeah im MUY tired and i miss mah Tina!!! I MISSS HER!!! LIKE SO MUCH!! i hate only bein able to see her from time to time durin skool! especially since we're always busy wit other crap!! i cant even call her and this is drivin meeh insane!! the only thing that keeps my sanity is the notes we write to eachother and our time we spend together when we get a chance at skool ~sigh~ im off to toss and turn RoAR! OutZ!

2003-10-07T01:32:00.000-07:00

"im tryin so hard now...to be the way u want me too.."

ah shit..haha i got caught...mannnnnnnn i feel like its all mah fault but yeah bleh =( yeah we got caught and it was really weird...~sigh~ at least Tina's parents are reasonable. I mean geez i came back wit all mah limbs, mah head on mah shoulders and in one piece. Steve was reasonable as well i guess i hurt his feelings..i feel really bad now and yeah dis whole "adult" thing is gettin to meeh but yeah slowly but surely im gettin it all together. Its Jr. year and im tryin to grasp hold of wut is right and wut isnt. all i know is i love tina and nothin can change that. im so sorry mah tina bear!! i didnt mean to get us in trouble. wellz imma go lye down..RoAR! OutZ!

2003-10-06T22:48:00.000-07:00

"tell meeh wut u thought about when u were gone and so alone.."

i cant take this anymore and i dont want it to end this way i dont want to make tina cry and i dont know why im buggin out like dis...~sigh~ damnit man no more im stupid and thats all there is to it...im dumb and never can make right decisions but the one decision dat i ever made that i have no regrets towards...is picking Tina. shes the best thing thats happen to meeh since i dunno! everythins been crap up until i met her and this whole year has been so crazy but hey keep the complicated times rollin. I love u tina and dont u ferget dat. I neber want to break ur heart and hopefully u wont break mine..lets hope fer da best tonight cause yeah i need sum luck =) lend me a hand der courage...adios and RoAR! OutZ!

2003-10-06T20:01:00.000-07:00

"the very worst part of u...is meeh..."

damnit...why man...dats all im asking why cant i tell her things? is it cause im stupid? is it cause i lack courage? wtf is wrong wit me? am i really that stupid? im so damn sad right now i could cry..i could juss rip my heart out and pass it to sumone else cause damnit why is it that all i ever do now is hurt Tina? so many fuckin unanswered questions and here i am juss mad...juss full of hatred. why cant i be happy anymore? WHY does it feel so fake this happiness i show? WHY do i continue to please everyone but in the end, end up hurting my self? i dont get it. not one bit. i could stand here be myself and still get fucked over. damnit all to hell im fed up wit bein stupid im fed up wit trying to be perfect...man im so imperfect its not funny? wut does she see in me?? theres nothing here but a shell of myself...damnit I love u so much Tina...why am i still so dark at heart? why do i lock it away and throw the key?? im close to tears now but they juss wont COME...WHY WONT THEY COME??? sumone help meeh damnit...anyone i feel so alone now damn...god damnit all....

all these thoughts
they run through mah head
one second at a time
i take the lead
but fall behind
i look at my shadow
Casting sumthing dark
sumthing so unknown
wishin i didnt get lost
from times awful flow
now im burnin inside
and slowly creep to a hide
as people mess wit our heads
and im full of pain and regrets
like nothings helping me through
except the thoughts of u
but people slowly destroy that fact
and at times my heart i lack
leading with my two ears
wishin i could fix ur fears
make u whole once more
if not then ill fall on the floor
feel the pain and hurt inside
cry alone cause slowly im hurting u
damnit all i want is u
i want ur happyness
i dont want u to be sad
all these things are driving me mad!

2003-10-05T23:55:00.000-07:00

"never really listened to wut they say"

well i am upppppppppp ahha still even though skools comin but yeah wOOoo hooO! ONE YEAR baby!! man the best fuckin YEAR yet i swear! I love u tina! so damn much its incredible!! lets see today we went out wit Brian, Kris, and Kaycee runnin a muck around Mc. Donalds and Old Town i was kinda non hyper fer da beggin but once the night rolled around a burst of energy hit meeh and i was crazy once more! woo hoo! i love u tina! u make meeh feel so crazy i swear! we climbed trees played hide and go seek haha made brian walk in one direction and us in the other haha fun stuff then drove home singin FINCH cause man "WhOooooaaa theres sumthin in the air tonight..sumthin that makes meeh feel alive and i sed" fuckin awesome!! haha den we hit 711 got sum Hot CheetOh's wit "cheeze" haha fun stuff! then the night came to an end and i had to say goodbye to those beautiful eyes which i love to stare deep into mebbe gettin at least a lil closer to the beauty thats also inside tina..~sigh~ wellz all i gots to say is life is hectic but i love mah tina wit out her...id probably be insane by now or a dead tree off in the forest standing alone...relying only on mah roots..wellz RoAR! OutZ!

"love to live but also live to love..."

2003-10-05T13:19:00.000-07:00

"in the memory u'll find meeh...eyes burning up"

its sunday...ahh the day before skoool but this isnt any ordinary sunday, its meeh and tinas one year...haha ur thinkin MANN ONE YEAR!! HOW THE HELL CAN U DO THAT? well its been one hell of a year filled wit TonS of good times and a couple of bad times but believe meeh the good times outnumber the bad times by like a million! im at mah bros chillin we went out yesterday to celebrate almas b-day cause its on monday but no one would've been able to go if we celebrated it on a monday so we juss did it saturday. Ate dinnner which was yummy well kinda hah MiMi's cafes alright jus dat mah grilled cheese wasnt as awesome as i expected it to be. We filled a cup of lemon flavored water wit trash and put it on another table haha good times...and when it seemed like i had nothin to say i juss let out a lil burp and that broke the ice =D haha im hopin to do sumthin today wit Tina to celebrate this joyous occasion (man dat was lame) haha but yeah i guess we'll see anywho dats it fer today...ill bloggggggggg more laterers RoAR! OutZ!

2003-10-04T17:32:00.000-07:00
"its 2am and way too soon..to try and say goodbye to u.."

yeah its da weekend habnt been bloggin much juss been to lazy or fergetful about it. im in a rollercoaster at the moment in the whole emotional status crap...its like one minute im HIGH up there and the next im goin down things have been rather complicated wit skool, tryin to make the best of things, people changing, and other useless crap that shouldnt really bother meeh much but still does in the end. right now at the moment im tryin to get a hold of mah brother cause hes on his way to pick up eYe but he wont answer his stupid cell phone! DAMNIT!!! but yeah up and down side to side ~sigh~ only thing thats keepin meeh pretty much all together is Tina, mah friends, tryin to look on the bright side and mah family. most likely though things might fuck up wit da whole pickin up ian and then im gonna get yelled out, feel like shit then probably nevre wanta come back ober here again...i hate it when that happens but yeah it happens. friggen...its saturday and im not doin much but yeah dat how it is...~sigh~ ill blog more laters...RoAR! OutZ!

2003-09-27T23:22:00.000-07:00
"another sunny day in californn-i-aa.."

ah man...today was so awesome! i went to the beach wit Tina and mah foster family and we had a blast! fishing, runnin around wit tina everything! it was juss so awesome im glad i got to spend that time wit her shes so cute when she runs away from the water screaming! i juss love it so much! and then like i was standing there juss watchin her, i dunno why haha i juss was standin der behind her smiling cause mah gosh im so lucky to find sumone as special to meeh as she is! it was like a lil vacation from skool, from drama, from colorguard, and from everything that was buggin her and dat was awesome to know we spent today havin fun in the sun...err haha not really in the sun but yeah! we Mangaged =)...wellz imma RoAR! outZ!

2003-09-27T00:07:00.000-07:00
"everything has fallen to pieces..earth is dying help me jesus"

i want to be everything fer u!! omg..why is high skool so damn drama full haha yeah today was fun as hell but i juss wasnt feelin it most of the time i had tons of fun but i dunno i juss still felt blah...it pisses meeh off how Tina like...ah RoAR! damn KRYSTA i swear i dont even know why Tina likes her so much but yeah Tina ur sucha sweet person it makes meeh mad to see u gettin treated so harshly by that fuckin jerkoff...and all those damn guys GOD DAMN THEM I swear...like i dont wanta be a asshole towards every guy u talk to but im never there to witness these assholes and it pisses meeh off to "never be there" damnit if i was there i'd tell them to stop fuckin around and to back the fuck up...i wanta be the guy who loves u so much dat he'll fight fer u its juss im not dat i dunno scary i guess? and damn i wish i was! I WISH I KNEW WUT TO SAY to make u smile...why cant i think anymore...damnit why...when we were sittin in front of Round Table i juss wanted to hold u tight and never let go..i wanted to say sumthin...damnit anything to make u smile cause u bein happy is all dat matters to meeh! if it meant meeh givin mah life then i'd do it..cause id do anythin to make u happy!! gosh damn darn...blah...imma go toss and turn over this in mah bed missin u...RoAR! outZ!

2003-09-23T19:30:00.000-07:00
"baby life is like a ride on a freeway"

whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehehehehe haha check it out i got a keyboard again its ugly but it works so yeah! hahah i need a new vid card and mah bro got a new car!! OMG its so damn cool! i swear if i had a car id take his hahaha imma setup mah DMV appointment on saturday so dat i can take the permit test cause I want to DRIVE!!! vroooom i got the need fer speeeeeed hahaha Drivings easy i juss need to do it more then ill become pro u know?? hahah and like yaeh mannn it was so magical last night i was lying der and tinas all "u really dont know how much i love u..." im like yeah i know i love you as much and more! but shes all "no i love u like that times a billion!" mah gosh dis gurlll ahhh i love her so much! haha i had fun today runnin around wit her and brian and kris and krysta den i got home and got to drive mah bros NEW car which is so damn cool!! its a Lancer and its like an upgraded version of da Mirage mah gosh its so damn tight and its RED!!! haha i need to clean mah keyboard cause its dirty and buggin meeh RoAR! OutZ!

2003-09-23T05:32:00.000-07:00
"ill always be dreaming of u"

ooky!maaaaaaan! i snuck out again and almost got caught! hahaha! omg tinas mom juss says "tina get up" and mah eyes were wide open! awwwe i love tina sooo much id blog more but i hab no keyboard so RoAR!OuTZ!

2003-09-21T21:38:00.000-07:00
"its three days later and i cant stop thinkin about u.."

today was better then yesterday! i talked to tina fer 3 hours on da telephono! den like i sat there and was wonderin why she hadnt called meeh after she took her shower and i was playin a game so i wasnt online then i get a phone call from dave and he tol meeh dat she got into a fight wit her dad! i was like OMG!!! u dont even know! i signed on all quick, asked mah fostermom if i could meet tina half way and then tol tina i was on mah way! i ran up the street towards her end and den i saw her..we hugged and mah gosh i could've standed there wit mah arms wrapped around her if i had to! ANYTHING to make her feel better cause mah gosh..i cant believe wut happened!!! all i want is to see her smile..but if theres bad times im down wit dat too i dont care anything to be wit her!! but den she came to mah house and she was smiling and laughing i juss cant get over the fact that im so damn lucky...shes da brightest star i've ever seen..and i do mean ever seen i was lucky to fall in love wit sumone so great! around 8:30ish josh tol meeh dat her sister was downstairs wit peoples so we went outside and it was Kris, Kaycee, Brian, and another dude..fergot his name but yah hahah we had fun sittin der talkin and laughin den Kris hit his head on the FENCE ahahaha den they were like "YEAH! we're leaving!!" haha it was so funny wellz imma go finish mah hw now RoAR! OutZ!

2003-09-21T00:56:00.000-07:00
"dont think i could take it wake meeh when its over.."

ehhhhhhhh damnit!!! i wanta go out and do shit but no...another weekend wasted but its mah fault cause i brought this upon mahself..~sigh~...wellz yeah today i watched anime..alot of it..and everything juss ends in disappointment..i miss mah tina...im juss bleh..right now wellz yeah todays a drag! i wish i could've gone to the movies wit Tina! DAGNABIT!! WHY DAMNIT WHY!? haha wellz..imma go be sad, lonely, depressed and get on wit mah miserable at the moment life...RoAR! OutZ!

2003-09-20T12:47:00.000-07:00
"but i if i should fall would u catch meeh dear with ur open arms and a heart thats near"

its saturday and im home!! ahhh hahah yesterday i had so much fun! it was great! ran around after skool with Dave and Kecia playin wit weaves laughin at their cheerleading runnin around thrift stores wit dave and headin to the game after! the game was AWESOME i swear i never had so much fun! i yelled i screamed i cheered for my skool i even enjoyed WATCHING the game which is a RARE occurence! haha after that we went to Round Table Pizza and ate food and i learned the chinese counting game...man after that i felt dumb and haha yeah! we all got dropped off to our houses i went to TInas and yeah we fell asleep cause it was sucha long day...~sigh~ hahah i got home and got grounded...i cried cause i didnt wanta be locked up in mah room again if anything i dont want to go back to being that shell of myself again!! im so wild now its hard to sit still and im lovin every second of it! grounded till friday so yeah ahhhhhh hahaha guess its time to play comp games again =P wellz RoAR! OutZ!

2003-09-18T20:53:00.000-07:00
"standing on the edge of morning scent of sex and new found glory"

i know a gurl. Shes kind hearted, cute, acts like a lil kid, wild and crazy, and most of all the gurl of mah dreams. Shes been there fer meeh fer so long i dunno wut i'd do wit out her! shes everything i could've ever wanted and soooo much more its incredible! on cold nights mah warm feelings fer her keep meeh warm and through saddened times i juss stare into her beautiful hazel eyes and juss get lost in her. Nothin else matters not hw, not mah life, nothin bothers meeh i feel that sudden sense of peace...no of happiness that familiar feeling that i had though id lost so long ago but when i see her smile, laugh or juss sit der bein her I juss cant help but smile. i make funny faces at her when to stop mah self from gettin lost in her eyes cause she says it weirds her out hah but the last time i stared deep into her eyes i noticed her doin it too =) u cant help fallin in love wit sumone so great...at times im lost but u always brought meeh back to where i should be goin...mah gosh tina i love ya so much! ur hair, ur kiss and most of all U! i love U! dats wut i love so much is ur undeniable personality ur sweet sincerity that comes with bein around u. like i sed to u while we walked home today and i carried ur books...im not being a "guy" im being meeh! im MEEH! and i owe that to u cause u brought meeh back..u picked meeh up u made meeh remember...though it hurts at times ill get through cause i love you...im not gonna hide anymore...i promise this to u...RoAR! OutZ!

2003-09-17T22:52:00.000-07:00
"stay with meeh...cause every star that i see is brighter then the last"

wow! haha today was so magical even thuogh i was tired haha but yeah in drama everyone managed to remember their names PE was boring and Bio was really easy! haha in US history meeh and Mary seemed high again haha and in Calculus i learned formulas fer crap haha but yeah it was magic in the makin cause after drama i went to tinas house and we ate food and takled and laughed. it was so great i love times like that where we juss enjoy eachothers company and laugh over the funny stuff! haha but yeah we were lying there and Tinas all "I KNOW A SECRET DAT DAVE TOL MEEH!" and im all ooo its that one secret and ur probably not gonna tell meeh! and den shes all "oh u dont wanta know fine!" haha den im like PLeaseeeee haha den shes all welll its sumthin u wanted a long time ago..GUESS! im all AHH i dunt wanta! tell meeh Tina!! haha and shes all well a long time ago u tol dave dat u wanted "one slowdance" and i was like stunned...haha I BLUSHED! omg i turned pink! hAHAHAHAH i cant believe i did! thats the first time i ever turned pink! and it makes meeh laugh so much haha but it was so magical i love starin into her hazel eyes and juss gettin lost in her..~sigh~ i must do hw RoAR! outZ!

2003-09-16T17:34:00.000-07:00
"ill never regret..these years"

i tend to look at life in many ways like good then bad then alright and then OVERWHELMING and like i think of everything and how things are ending up how one thing adds to another and its so surprising. Most of the time I change from being me to a shell of mahself cause im afraid dat ill get to selfish. why do i feel selfish who knows! but i juss have sum weird thing wrong wit meeh. then again at times we're always selfish and now im juss runnin in circles. I'm learning to live one day at a time and its frightening but an amazing experience at the same time. haha so yeah im really takin those words "dont live each day with regret" im not gonna save anything for the next day but take a path I choose. RoAR! OutZ!

2003-09-12T16:37:00.000-07:00
"im mah own worst enemy"

a statement thats always true hah u seee whenever i feel bad its because i interpret things wrong. which is stupid and im tryin hard to not do dat anymore. wellz anyhow im back from a LOOONG week ob SkoOl haha and yeah i was supposed to go to the beach but it ended up bein a family trip! so yeah i understand but bleh! im missin out on tina in a bathin suit =P hah pobre tina though when i called seems dat this juss made her day worse considerin she was forced to go to sum stupid fight thing she didnt wanta go to. ~sigh~ dagnabit and now i cant go to mah bros so i guess im juss gonna sit at home.AH SHIT i juss swallowed mah stupid fruit chews lolipop!! DAGNABIT! hahah oh wellz RoAR! OutZ!

2003-09-11T22:56:00.000-07:00
"safe in here from all the stupid questions.."

today was fun! haha skool was a blast as usual! wit drama and everything it juss kicked ass! and like i went to tinas and helped her wit her hw and i actually did mine! den while we were on da computer tinas moms all "wut did i tell u to do wit dese forks! U BETTER GET THE FORK OUTTA HERE!" hahahaha den we started laughin and den the forks came back from time to time but the moment that i member da most today was when tina asked meeh about mah family..i tol her everything! mah gosh all the good things and all the bad things and hell i wanta tell her more! haha its so great her and i like i love to make her laugh and see her smile and she always seems to make meeh smile tooo! like BIG smiles! ultimate smiles! haha dude im sucha nerd! hahaha i played video games at age 9! hell im so happy right now! i cant wait till tommorow! wee da Beach! Tina in a bathing suit ;) MwuahAHahahah hahah tons of fun! wellz i gots to eat and sleep RoAR! OuTZ!

2003-09-09T21:18:00.000-07:00
"heres mah heart ill let u break it"

man today was crazy..so very crazy. Like i was havin so much fun in skool until around the end of drama when i found out Shandra TOOK MY 10 BUCKS!! so den im like yeah dat sucks ass...and i hear from Tina dat her and kris and krysta and kecia and dave are goin to Jack ind a Crack so im like wee i wanta go but as we're sittin in da green room i get up to take a walk cause i was still a lil steamed about mah ten bucks and durin dis walk i managed to get mah hw assignments fer Bio but instead of goin back to the green room i went into the theatre and sat down. I guess tina saw dis and was angry so she left wit her friends to JiTb. dat kinda made meeh mad but yeah oh wellz i figured so as im leavin Dave sed he was gonna go wit Ricardo to boardwalk but den changed his mind and caught up wit meeh and kecia who were walkin so i figured hey why not..i guess ill go to JiTb! so as we're waklin im still a lil edgy about things and as we walk into JiTb i sit down and look at Tina but she juss ignores meeh so i get up and to hang wit dave but as i do this i hear voices in da backround "whisper whisper HAHAHAH neils so death he cant hear this" or sumthin like dat and i juss get PISSED i dunno im usually not one to take jokes offensively but because of mah state of mind i juss couldnt stand it and ended up stormin out da door goin "IM GOING HOME." as i continue walkin dave comes chasin after meeh and hes like "wuts wrong??" im juss on da edge of tears..and walkin sum more and as i start talkin I hear Tina runnin up behind meeh so i become mute..i hate dat i do that but yeah..shes all "wuts wrong?" and i sit der and say "nothing" and that juss infuriated meeh! and she kept askin and i kept sayin nothing and finally she hugged meeh cause she knew sumthin was wrong but i still didnt say anythin. I juss kissed her and put her aside..dat made meeh so angry at mahself!! as i walked off i punched the water heater thingy! and then continued towards da skool..as i reached the skool i started thinkin "runnin away again...right?" dat juss caused meeh to turn around. I dont want to make tina cry! mah gosh i cant believe i did wut i did! and i started walkin faster back towards JiTb. One thing on mah mind..express urself neil..stop holdin back! so i get close to JiTb and i see kecia and dave they head back to the skool and i head into jack in the box where i see tina..she looked so mad and sad..i juss wakled up and sed in a small voice "tina can i talk to u?" and we went to the front of jack in da box. I tol her how i felt alone and how things juss didnt feel right. and then I told her how i always run away from mah problems and that im tryin to change..soo much but its hard.. as i sed this i cried..i didnt ever think i would cry in front of her but i did and we held eachother..i dont ever wanta make tina cry! geez i only wanta see her smile..i gotta change and im tryin hard to one step at a time..thanx tina fer bein patient wit meeh...ders juss sum things i habnt dug up from mah hole of forgotten memories dat ih ab told u but in time..RoaR! OutZ!

2003-09-08T21:37:00.000-07:00
"let em say we're crazy...i dont care about that"

another memorable day..seems each day im livin one day at a time. Its weird how time flows durin certain stages of ur life. for instance right now im like takin each day in FULLY i mean not one second is lost. I look at wut i am and accept wut is given and handed to me. Theres one thing that hasnt been right. Its my dad. I know hes in this mental rehabilitation center thingy and i try to hide that and i try to ignore it and all its buildin is hatred. I dont hate my dad in fact i love him. So much because back then when i would want approval fer skool and all mah achievements he always cared. i mean he really congradulated meeh! mah gosh mah dads so cool. i juss wanta see him once more to tell him thank u fer believin in meeh. Seems since i lost mah dad theres been another special someone whos been pushin meeh and keepin meeh goin. Tina u believe i can catch up and believe so much in meeh dat im glad i found sumone to love as great as u. Like i sed today in ur back yard as i lyed there on the ground lookin up at the "stars"...u truly are a star in my eyes tina and each day u continue to shine brighter and brighter. RoAR! OutZ!

2003-09-07T22:52:00.000-07:00
"and if this world runs out of lovers..we'll still have eachother"

seems it gets harder and harder to leave Tina's house u know? haha i gave her all da things that i got at DL and she was so happy! i love to see her smile but anyways yeah i dunno wuts wrong wit meeh i think im lettin dis stress bull get to meeh! bleh!! haha stupid neil! now i hab a ton of Bio Hw to doo all day well night haha long! and i cant blink..~sigh~ another inside joke fer meeh and tina haha wellz imma go be meeh and do hw RoAR! OutZ!

2003-09-07T14:02:00.000-07:00
"over the sidewalks..runnin away from the streets we knew.."

went to disneyland and yeah i had fun, the usual ride dis ride do this try and buy this browse the stores..wish i could go home caues it was fuckin gettin old..it was fun and all but we stayed there tooo fuckin long disneyland is like a one day thing where u leave early in da mornin and come home after it closes but nooo we had to rent a stupid motel and waste my weekend away. bleh i missed drama on friday so yeah ms. b might be mad but who knows right? and yeah mah hair looks crazy cause i was too lazy to comb it dis mornin figuring it would juss blow outta place durin da car ride and it did. i hab alot of stuff from DL which is pretty cool but to come home to homework sucks..and im juss not feelin too happy anymore. why the fuck am i like this..happy one moment and sad the next wtf...I hate it..i hate me..i hate wut ive done to mahself....damnit and im full of so much hatred its like no where i go can i escape the constant use of the word "nigger" u know i dont like fuckin hearin it or the jokes right the fuckin jokes "no black people allowed" omg..im about to juss say fuck it...caues u know its hard to not do wut everyone else is doin like the drugs and all dat other shit..fuck im so pissed off dat i could explode juss full of hatred fer everything...like a fuse ready to juss get pushed a lil bit more and den BAM imma fuckin explode on sumone..i dont like being like dis i dont like any of this...but its everything around meeh that seems to be influencing meeh like dis...FUCK MYSELF I HOPE I BURN IN HELL...RoAR! OutZ!

2003-09-04T07:36:00.000-07:00
"if u die right now..u know id die too"

man yesterday was magical cause meeh and tina like opened up alot! and mah gosh i feeel so much lighter!! i hope we stay like dis ferever mah gosh we were lying on da back swing like we used to reminiscing about old times where she first sed "i love you" to meeh and how im too blind to see the stars, geez i loved all of it! and after that we lyed together..and we're juss enjoying the company of eachother and i was lovin every second of it! if there was a point in time that i would've froze it would've been that one cause mah gosh it was like heaven..i didnt wanta leave. Having mah arms wrapped around her and juss lyin there it was an incredible feeling of happiness..like nothing could bother meeh and believe meeh nothing does! and if it does imma tell her! cause im not alone and im glad..=) wellz off to skool RoAR! OutZ!